alone time spent painting.

last night i was flipping through the channels on television over and over before finally giving up and doing what i should have been doing the whole time. i did some chores around the homestead, and went upstairs with my audio-track-playing-device and my headphones, and rocked some ass, while continuing to paint my Moroccan-inspired cabinet. and of course, there was some exploration of my psyche, as always.

my sister had her son "dedicated" to... their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ... which is to say, he wasn't christened, or baptised, but his life was promised to the church...

and my mom is trying to teach oli to say "dear jesus"...

which we don't agree with. and until recently, we have been able to tactfully and tastefully avoid without insulting their beliefs. and being part of this family has steadily driven me a tad insane. to actually come out and tell my mom that we don't believe in organised religion is to say that i am "exactly" like my dad [alcoholic heathen], which is not the case. i told my sister that the dedication video was online, and asked if she got the link. my mom then asks me if we were having oli dedicated. my automatic response [with a small chuckle no less] "no." how condescending. yay!

so i paint the cabinet, and reflect, as always when i am alone, and i realize that when i am more like my mom, i am unhappy. when i notice similarities, it drives me crazy. which is probably a little bit of that rebellion that i didn't get out of my system when i was younger. but also, it's the rational side of me seeing just how strange my mom really is, and wanting to avoid it. because i do see things in me that are just like her. and she's not a bad person, just not who i want to become.

i thought about some of the guys i'd been with, and how i was never... "good enough" as i used to think. but i learned a lot about myself since then, and remembered that they weren't "good enough" for me really. that there was in intense connection between us, but they weren't ready for that, and it wasn't my fault. because that's what the irrational tells you when there's a break-up. that you're no good.

and i thought about the relationship i'm in, and how respected, and loved, and cared for, i am. and i give that all back. and sure we fart around eachother, but we share everything. we exercise together, and talk, and walk, and shower, we are so... right for eachother.

and a tool song came on, and i thought of burning man, and then how much shit maynard talks about it. but really, in it's basic of all purposes, what is burning man? a huge party, in the desert, with loud constant music, art, people, drugs, alcohol, whatever. it's an escape from reality and responsibilities. that's what it is. and what is it to be a hugely rich musician? to live however you want. there's not need for an escape. so why can't we all live like that? why can't we all live in a way that makes us happy, that we don't need to escape from? what is it about life that makes you unhappy, that you can get rid of?