I do a thing that I like, for a while, get bored, and find something new to work on.
Blogging, half filled journals in my room, art journals with unfinished ideas, sewing projects piling up in the spare room. (I'm actually getting to those, I promise.)
Inspiration is fleeting, and as soon as it happens, I'm the type of person who has to have a record of it, so I don't let it slip away. I get pretty good ideas from time to time.
Mortality has a fascinating way of doing the exact same thing to us all. Half filled lives, living to play a video game, or the midnight release of a movie. It's jumping from one empty filler to another, lacking any substance. We get together over a friends death, and we're angry. We're sad. There are tears and beers being spilled for a good person.
This isn't supposed to be slamming anyone, or to be that inspiring life-changing motivator, just a record for myself that I don't mind sharing with others, my friends, those people that are important to my personality, experiences, and my history.
Soul searching is a stupid term but I'll use it here for the time being. It happens when people you know die. My cousin committed suicide two days after Christmas last year. He took his gun, left his phone at home, drove for about an hour to a restricted service road and shot himself. He was an amazing man who probably could have benefited from counseling. He believed that his whole life was going to be destroyed anyway, so I guess he figured he'd just do it himself. There was no note. But there sure as hell were people that loved him. I bring this up because my friend Devon also decided to not be alive anymore. I think my cousin's suicide is playing a lot into how Devon's has effected me. Devon and I weren't close, he was sort of one of the satellite friends orbiting in the greater universe of my social group, but most of us knew who he was, and a lot of people called him family. He was loved and loveable.
I've gotten closer with friends over his loss, people I should have been closer with before. I'm getting off my ass to get out of the small rut in which I've agreed to be, not consciously mind you. It's easy to do the day-to-day and be unhappy, but it takes real courage and strength to see your dreams come to fruition. There are beautiful things in each of our futures, but you have to know how to look at it in a different light at times.
What do you want to be when you grow up? I'd like to be self-sufficient, and a bad ass. Yep, I'm meeting with a cosmetology school tomorrow. We all know about my hair obsessions. I'm still going to babysit, and Ezra's probably going to remain at the B3 for a while, but we're both going to attempt the school thing, for an end result. I went to Solano for a while, dicked around, planned my own schedule without a goal. I was going to learn what I wanted to learn, and took care of some general ed while I was at it, but I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. Part of me is irritated with the fact that I've lived in Fairfield most of my life, and I didn't realize any of this. I am nearing the big three oh, and it's definitely time to get started with actualizing my future.
“I wear my heart on my mouth”
1 week ago