Thursday, December 18, 2008

sitting in a drafty house

it's cold today. everything was frozen when i got up, and i think my zucchini plant is pretty fucked. every once in a while i sit down to "blog" with grandiose expectations, and then i completely forget what inspired me in the first place. i suppose i could write about my psychotic mother. well, psychotic probably doesn't work, but there's something just-not-quite-right about her.

so here goes: an attempt to let this shit go!
yesterday we were getting together to go to my sister's house. it's about an hour drive, and my mom gets home around 2 in the afternoon, so i tried to get there "on time". now, keep in mind this was a leisurely trip to have fun with my sister and her kids. i left my house about 10 minutes to 2, expecting to hit every red light on my way, because i was in a hurry, and we all know what that's like. i wanted to be heading to my car at 1:30, but Oli was napping, and i hate having to wake her on purpose. so i did, and she was channeling all of the hate of the world through her fat little cheeks, and protested every step of the way. (did you know, toddlers have the capability of going completely limp, and they do this thing with their arms to make them all slippery? i liken it to when a snake un-hinges it's jaws, but kinda the opposite.) so i was a little late.
when i pulled up to my mother's house, she walked angrily to my car to scowl at me. (oh, back up a second. when i was 2 blocks away from her house my cell phone rang, and i didn't answer it because, well, i just don't want to ever give any law enforcement the excuse to pull me over.) so we arrive at her house, and she also channels all of the hate of the world at me through her eyes, the scowliest scowl to have ever scowled. "Hi," i say. "You're late," she replies. Ok, here we go! "I'm sorry, there was an accident on my way here," i reply (no lie, a major street to get to her house was totally backed up, some ninny had a flaming engine in the middle lane and no one knew what to do!). her anger doesn't subside. "You know, I am sorry, it's hard to deal with a screaming toddler the whole time I'm attempting to get her ready, I didn't mean to be late," still hatred, "Would you like me to go through every reason I'm late? because I can, I got Olivia up at 1:38, she screamed at me when I brought her downstairs, I changed her diaper, and she protested when I tried to put on her shirt, then I fought her to get her strapped in the car, and she finally settled down. I hit every red light on my way here, and there was a huge accident on Air Base [parkway, the major street]." I explained in a heated fashion, I was quite annoyed at this point. "It's almost 2:15. You said you'd be here at 2." WHAT THE FUCK! I mean, didn't I just explain?
I was really REALLY close to calling her a bitch. I mean, really! "Look, it's not like i wanted to have a psycho toddler. I really am sorry." Why the big deal? When I was on my way home later last night I checked my phone, she called me at 2:07. 7 whole fucking minutes late. where's the proportion in which this was blown?! I mean fucking get a life! seven minutes doesn't make that big of a difference.

i wish this wasn't such of a rant, but it is, so whatever. perhaps next time i write a blog it will be all inspirey or something.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

learning from life?

there was a stripper that looked a lot like me. not like she could be mistaken for me, but we had similar bodies. it's sad that i had to see someone shaped like me to realize that my shape actually is sexy. i think that's one reason why i feel so connected to portland. strange, but true. when she walked on the stage, she commanded my attention. she wasn't stick thin, she wasn't perfectly toned, she was beautiful.

i was looking through old magazines last night, just relaxing in the living room by myself, and i felt truly attractive. i can't say i've ever really felt like that before. i felt beautiful, sexy, and like me. it was nice. i still feel like that today. it's a relief, opposed to the frump i've felt, well, forever.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

i'm here, but i'm still not back.






i went to portland. it was wonderful. not to just see those people near and dear to my heart, nor to meet new people, but to feel like i finally belonged somewhere. a woman said to me that "portland is what san francisco wishes it was". that statement rings so true to me. i didn't feel shunned, or scoffed at in any store we walked into, i didn't feel mediocre in any way. it felt, well, like i just went home for the first time. no melo-drama, just fact. everyone there was so kind and polite. if you bump into someone, there's an apology, in the 5 days i was there, i encountered one asshole driver. 1. i mean it, just the one. no one honked, no one sped up on my ass, no one cut anyone else off. it was the largest small town i've ever been to. i've been back here since monday night, and i'm still in oregon. it's sad, i wish we were there so badly. ezra isn't sold on the idea yet. obviously, having never been there, he's skeptical. and i'm on my way to being heart broken.

i guess it really doesn't matter where we end up, "as long as we're together"... so cheesy, but apropriate. i was quite lonely in portland, sort of. it was nice being switzerland. i was the neutral ground. i suppose that's how you can tell if you're a cool person or not. i am: no chance at pussy, because i am married; a confidant woman (again, no chance at the kitty); totally unattainable (sexually); and... yeah, a cool person. people still wanted to hang out with me, probably more so once they found out that "my family" wasn't a cult.. haha..

driving "home" felt so empty in context. i was so excited to be back with my family, but the location made me want to heave (what's new?). the colors are all wrong here, the hue is off. and i've already invited Elfie to move up there too. i think she'd thrive there. hell, i think anyone with an open mind would thrive there. everyone that i talked with that grew up there loved it.

but really, i was watching Sesame Street with Olivia earlier today, and we caught a segment with Grover. i suddenly had a flash of how i used to feel when i lived on my own in san francisco. after Davin left, i would hang out with Kim. she came over and asked me if i had anything to put on her Grover doll's head to make a Super-Grover. so i gave her a little metal dipping cup i'd gotten from some restaurant somewhere. strange the things that thrust you into another time. it was comforting to feel that in my belly. i can't describe it well. it was warm, and a sepia-orange. i think it was my confidence. i can't really think what else it could have been.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

completely sidetracked.

i was hunting through music to put on the good ol' iPod for the roadTrip... and i came across that which i'd been remembering a lot recently. it's beethoven. i can't really "label" myself as a fan of classical music, but i do find it enjoyable at times. it takes me back to a time when things were simple. it's one of the piano sonatas, (Moonlight) (1) Adagio sostenuto -- attacca. i know, that's a frickin mouthful. but the music speaks to my soul. this is the song i can't live without.

it's strange how utterly sidetracked i became before sitting down to write this. all of the urgency has escaped me. the fucker from down the street came home blasting his music from his "bumpin' stereo" or whatever the kids are calling it these days. keeping oli awake is all i care about. and the music only got louder. so i went to my drive way, where i could see the culprit, and he didn't realize anyone else in the universe existed. so i haughtily stomped back into the house, grabbed the air horn, went back to the driveway, and let loose. it was gratifying, and he stopped the music. of course, i'm passive aggressive, and i assume everyone else is, so i promptly went back inside, locked the front door, and continued to watch my hands shake with adrenaline. kind of a lame use of adrenaline, i know, but that's what happened.

then i logged into my blogger, and caught up on friends blogs that i'd neglected for a little while. so, here i am, still in love with that song, and in hate with my effing neighbors, searching through album after album on my husbands itunes.

by the way, "hilarious" is something i will always mis-spell. i always put two "l"s. fun times.