Saturday, July 26, 2008

something unexpected!

it's a nice realization that i had, when the story is good enough, it's like you gain new friends. i know they're not real people, [horribly ghey here] but these characters were written so well that i actually feel a little sad. i used to just become increasingly impatient while waiting for a new book, but last night i realized that i really do miss these characters.

i don't even really like the main character. maybe she reminds me too much of my high-school-self, but i just really think she's irritating. and i wish ezra would read these books. he'd know better about the way i feel about him. how corny. i really do see him in a new light all of a sudden though, because this author really knows how to paint her shit.

and i didn't start reading this thinking "hey, i'll get emotionally invested, and get all obsessive about these characters", but in the end, i guess i got what i wanted. i've never really been so... attracted to reading before.

a couple of weeks ago i felt this enormous emptiness, probably due to the fact that i live in shitsville, and i really don't have too many friends here [except for elphee really!], and i really needed an escape. the fucking television was always on, and all of my free time really didn't go to any good use. and then i fell in to this literary trap.

yay!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

expectations?

...

everyone has 'em. but why? what are these pre-conceived notions we all have, and where do they come from?

and who are "they", you know, the ones we all talk about.. "they say, [insert random factoid]" and we all know it must be true.

but really, where do expectations originate? experience? or is it a prejudice? i used to hang out with people that did "blah", and now these people do to, therefore they must be the same, and act the same way?

so i was in a relationship with one person, and it went poorly in the end, does that mean that i will set myself up for failure in all relationships, because 1 ended up bad? well, i did set myself up for failure a couple times, and my heart got stomped on a little. in the ultimate... "conclusion" it's turned out better than i could have imagined. i ended up getting married to the best person for me. it's really like we were puzzle pieces made to fit each other. cliché, kitch, think what you will, but really there is no other way i might describe it.

so really, why do we have expectations? to limit the possibility if tangents things can go? we all have limited potential, and daily we choose to not use it. we get stuck in routines, and just go about our daily lives like nothing is wrong. but there's not truth in that. there's no passion. expectations are just a generalization that we're allowing to take over.

so we had a party at our house for ezra's birthday. i invited a buncha people over, and i thought it might be fun to have a friendly... debate/discussion/philosophy binge, and it got taken way out of the realm of friendly. i wanted to challenge my friends to discuss the origin of social norms, and see what they had to say. one "friend a" [shot down early in the evening by "friend b"] wanted to participate, but not step on anyones ["friend b"s] toes. and "friend b" i don't think was really up for the challenge.

which brings me to a bit of a rant: religion.
if you find it, great. if it finds you, better. if you just follow blindly, what does that make you? what does that do for your brain? i mean, you're brought up in an organized religion, and they [here's that word] expect you to agree. so you do. but is it because you truly agree, and you do believe that jesus christ died on the cross for your sins, and he is the son of the virgin mary and god?

what is faith? can you have faith and think for your self? does it work both ways? i guess i'm not really sure. i like to think that i have faith in something [the universe, nature, love, destiny-whatever you like] and i think for myself. i hope i'm not just a parrot.

::squak!!::

Friday, July 18, 2008

[02 May 2008 | Friday]

6:23 PM - hard days

though the rewards of being a stay-at-home-mom are tremendous, so are the negative days. everything seems SO EXTREME with a toddler. i guess that's because it is. to her at least. and of course, being somewhat emotionally incompetant these days, i follow her lead. when i attempt to guide her, she just tramples everything. it's amazing to see her switch, too. she will be giggling one minute, and [all kidding aside] she flips around and is screaming. and the lonliness is increasing, as i feel.. set aside from society. i had a girl come to the door today trying to sell something, and i actually enjoyed talking to her. even if it was to say "no, i don't have a checkbook, but good luck"... who the hell wishes a door-to-door salesman good luck?... ooooh, i think it may be time to self-medicate.

topic change
it's kinda [insert some snide word here] how i used to enjoy writing these "blogs" so long ago. i find it odd how much changes over time. i used to have all the free time one could wish for, living in the great city of San FranMotherFuckingcisco, and now, i'm married, i devote all of olivia's waking time to her, and i feel like i can't even take a break. even after i've put her down for bed. to write a blog is to vent my more recent frustrations... about what? politics? about traveling? about the dishes piling up? i guess i need to get back on my horse and figure out what my destination really is. i'm no poet. i won't be filling my blog with wonderous stories, but maybe i'll have some insight for my future-self.

A history lesson for the masses

what is it that drives us a human beings? what is your personal purpose? mine is to be happy. to reach this goal it needs to be completely deconstructed. what is it to be happy? what outside influences help to bring me closer to this destination, and what comes from within?

why does it seem like so many of my generation suffer from co-dependence? what were our parents' parents like? well, i know my mom's parents decided to act on "children are to be seen and not heard". SO, people pick and choose what they are going to use in their own life. my mom decided to allow my sister and i to have a voice. other decisions made by both of my parents were probably bad ones. but that is not to say that all their decisions were bad. they just didn't realize.

thus the addict is born.
with addiction comes co-dependence. a disease born of addiction is one in itself. i am a fixer. now mind you this is not the only type of co-de. let's look at what it was like in school for a minute. when there is/was a competition in school, "they" no longer felt that only first-, second-, and third-place winners got a trophy. everyone that participated got some sort of recognition. this breeds a group of people that don't realize that they can strive for excellence. we can just get by in life.

which is to say that we also don't learn a lot of things. we don't learn how to accept a compliment. we don't learn that it's OK to be the best at something. it's OK to blend into the crowd.

so what makes you stand out? or better yet, what are you afraid of: i am afraid of public speaking. to stand in front of a class and give a report, afraid to fuck up. afraid to sound unintelligent. deconstruct your fears. are you afraid of commitment? are you afraid to love? are you afraid to dance in public? why would you be? what is the ROOT of this fear?: were you abused [physical/mental/emotional] as a kid? were you neglected? was everything you loved taken away? and did you know that's not your fault?

so i'm afraid to speak, because i'm afraid that i'll be good at it. of course i'm afraid of failure, that's not even really an issue that i'd like to address at the moment. [i'm pretty sure everyone deep down is afraid to fail] but i'm more afraid to succeed. i always have been.

take my "potential" from high school for instance. i got pretty good grades in school. i could have gotten into college, graduated with my bachelors and onto my masters at this point in life. i chose the easy way and entered that "program" in high school that basically allowed kids to slack off. i could have gotten into honors classes if i wanted to, but instead i was busy chasing boys. i was always obsessed with one or another. i was trying to fill a void.

parents divorced, blah blah blah, and i lived my life the way i thought everyone expected a child of divorce to live. i acted the part of a broken-home kid, and a latch-key-kid. my grades ended up suffering, and i used the excuse that my parents were getting divorced. at the time that didn't really affect me. it wasn't until romantic relationships became an issue really.

i think all of my friends were in a similar boat if not at the same time in their lives, then at some point. we were all forced to grow up too soon. because our parents forgot what it was like to be a kid. they forgot that there are things that kids need to do, love, and experience to make them into healthy adults. i was never really given the oportunity to fail, because i always got the "participation" award.

Thanks for trying, we know you gave it your best:
destroys a persons sense of self-worth. to know that it's OK to fight for something. to know that yes: to fail does mean that you're not as good as the kid in 1st place, but you can STRIVE to become that great. and better. that you can set new records.

it's ok to be yourself. who are you? a collection of past events in a shell that looks how you look, and you can look any way you want. you can be that cute hipster girl with the strategically unkempt hair-do, or that brainy-nerd girl, [obviously i am a girl therefore speaking like one, but you know the same applies to the boys]. you can portray yourself as the meek little confused person, or you can act like you have all the self-confidence in the world. and that's how everyone will see you. whether you are faking it or not, it really doesn't matter.

____________
i am not going to edit this entry before posting it. if there are things that are unclear i apologize, and any spelling errors, well, it's the general idea i am more concerned about. for the moment i am the story-teller, and i am unconcerned with the intellectual construction of the sentence.

but i do know what makes me happy. i realized it all yesterday [and promptly forgot some of it]. i cannot say that i am "religious", but am spiritual. my highest power is love. i guess it can be equated with the "Christian" God, in that:

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (New International Version)

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails.... *
1Jo 4:16 — And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him. **

it is the church that takes metaphores and needs a tangible source for "God". if god is love, then why must we speak in terms of he, she, or it. it just is. it is love. why must it be about religion and conformity, and leaders, and not just that which is love? lust is not the same thing. there is trust with love. and trust makes it easier. i don't want anyone to read this and think i have become some religious nutter, because that's not what this is at all. i am attempting to re-apply my religious education to something that actually makes sense. it is not often that a bible scripture comes to mind, but i did want to share that with you. my reader.

i hope you enjoyed this, and didn't take any ill-meaning to heart. i am a fixer, and i probably got frustrated with each and every one of you [some several times] because in my heart i thought it was my job to fix you, and i couldn't accept the fact that you might just be happy the way you are.

*source: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+13:4-8
**http://www.blueletterbible.org/tsk_b/1Jo/4/16.html

Leaving yourspace behind

The irrationality of it all is that I actually felt NERVOUS to say goodbye to myspace. What the fuck? I mean really, what is there to be nervous about? I think that just proves that I feel a need for public acceptance more than anything. If I remove myself from the "public", and allow myself to empty my brain for no one other than myself, then I remove the stress element. In fact, I am pretty much completely reinventing myself. It's very... aggravating, and freeing.

I know I'm asking a lot of my friends to "follow" me here, but I guess this is a true sorting in a way. This will allow me to simplify EVERYTHING. There's so much drama attached to myspace. So much negativity. So much time wasted sitting there wondering if "he" read that blog, or if "she" understood that bulletin post. So I am simplifying everything from my bedroom, to my wardrobe, to my blog.

Have fun.

a new start

I've been learning a lot about myself recently, and it's not always when I want to. I'm one of those people that thinks there's a time and place for everything, and when it happens differently, it really throws me off. Life is full of those crappy slogans though: "hope for the best, but expect the worst" "things could always be worse", and the list goes on.
How many of us march to the beat of our own drum? I know I try to. It's not always easy, having been raised in a co-dependent world. I know this is where most of my rants end up these days, but that's because I see it as such an epidemic, and it doesn't seem like anyone notices. And why should they?
My grandparents: children should be seen and not heard (also, didn't outwardly show love or affection)
My parents: wanted to show us love and affection, and encouraged us to "be our own person".
Me: babied TOO long, and not really allowed to grow up, and yet grew up way too fast.
My sister: grew up quite fast, and didn't really share her struggles with me.

So, I am trying to become an expert at the one thing most people need: myself. I don't mean that everyone needs me, but you all need to learn more about yourself too!

My best friends see doctors to help them. THAT'S SO AWESOME! That takes to much strength and courage, to step aside, and say "I don't know myself as well as I thought I did." Holy cow! Think about that for a second. Someone actually doesn't know much about who they are. Who's the one person you're with 100% of every waking day of life? Not your spouse, not your kid, YOU. And to admit, just ADMIT, I don't know myself, I need a professionals help? That's frickin amazing.
Now one of said friends, asked me how I stop thinking about embarrassing things, and negative things throughout my whole life. This question struck me as odd. On the opposite of that, I have often wondered how Ezra falls asleep so fast. His reply: "I shut my brain off"... WHAT?! How the hell does one shut their brain off?! I mean, are you serious? Is that just a "guy" thing? Or am I just so full of too many thoughts to turn off?
In response to my friend, however, I wasn't sure how to answer. I adopted a slogan for myself while I was living in San Francisco that I absolutely love though: Will it matter in 2 weeks, or a year from now? And I mean really matter. We were at the laundromat, and friend took someone else's dry laundry from the dryer, set it on a clean surface, and put her own items in the dryer. Then she over-thought what she did and hoped the other woman wouldn't get angry with her... I guess I justify things a lot. Because, though that incident didn't "matter", it does still stick out in my mind, because I wish it wouldn't bother her. But I know it will.
I guess what I am trying to get at is, if it doesn't bother the "victim" in that victimless crime, then why should it bother the offender? I'm sure her clothes didn't get damaged in any way, my friend just needed a dryer, and that one had been done for about a half hour. Big whoop.

It's not a strength issue. She's one of the strongest people I know. Like I said about the doctor, she's willing to get HELP. A-mazing.

Is it about being a people-pleaser? Probably, which is an ugly side-effect of co-dependence. I'm not an expert on other people. I do like to think I have an insight into what people feel, or even the motives behind what they say. She "beats up on herself" a lot, but I see deeper inside, I see that it just happens to be a negative observation. She has positive observations too, they are just kept inside because she doesn't want to sound arrogant. I know that's why, because that's why I don't admit that I think I'm amazing. Well, there you go, I guess I do actually think I'm amazing. But I don't think you'll ever get me to say that in person.

Slogans... come up with your own and you'll be a lot better for it. Don't live my philosophy, it may matter 2 weeks or 10 years down the road for you. We're not the same person. But by all means, PLEASE, don't live anyone else's philosophy/slogan either. Discover something beautiful about yourself, and capitalize on that. Don't remain a product of the "participation award" generation. That's a whole other blog.