lessons in life can be surprising

funny how things can become so blatantly obvious, and it's really something you knew all along. it just wasn't relevant at the time, so you store it in the back of your brain to resurface later. the mind works in amazing ways. it's been said many times before, but the magnitude of that statement is really dawning on me.

we have life-changing epiphanies all the time. we realize something about our past, then file it back in the unorganized system that is our brain, then have the same epiphany a year later, just to repeat the cycle over and over again. what can truly save us from this repetition? i guess for me, i will try to write it down. and to read what i've written. it does no good to forget history, whether of someone else, or ourselves.

recently it's been a cyclical thing for me, and the stupid slogans and sayings have held new meanings for me. "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", ok, so simple, but honestly, it's quite true. for every aspect of attraction, not just physical. music, art, a nice pair of legs, or someone's eyes. what holds true for me, might not to you. it's all our personal interpretation of those certain waves, or particles, or what-have-yous.

another thing that's become unfortunately-cyclical for me is creativity. i get inspired, whether by a person, place or other noun, and become a well of creativity and function, and then i come-down from said high, and bum out for like a week. a couple months ago i went through my closet to see what shirts i hadn't worn in a while, and i tried to figure out why, so i set them aside to make stencils for them. i figured it would make me wear them with more visual interest, and they're still separated, not stenciled, and collecting dust.

a string of constant disappointments

well, i suppose that's what life has seemed like recently. though not as negative as that once could have meant. life, recently, has been rather cyclical. that in itself is disappointing. the back-and-forth of.. well, everything really. i'm not sure if it's just me, or if things really get better, and then go right back to the irritating.

i've been trying to make this house something that it isn't for quite some time. since we moved back here, i've tried to turn this place into my family home. i was raised here. my parents divorced here. resentment, loathing, venting, bitching... all that was negative about my mom was here. a friend in high school warned me that my mom was snooping in my room, and reading my journals. all of this happened while we both lived here.

my mom found sobriety here. she learned to be a better person. there's a disconnect between these events for me, and it doesn't make this house... better.

i can look around at all of the things that STILL [fucking] need to get done, and wonder how she let things get so bad. she was such a clean-freak [forever!] that just basic maintenance would have sufficed. i remember patching a lot of little holes in the wall, like when a hung picture is taken down. the wall was polka-dotted with holes downstairs. i asked her why she'd never done it, and she replied something along the lines of "i never knew what to use"... i found the plaster powder in the garage. it was there, if she'd taken the time to look.

there's a purging that really does need to happen here for me. i think once the landscaper comes in and fixes this shit up it'll really feel like a different place. i already talked to my dad about painting the interior, and he said it would be ok, and we picked a color. there's promise ahead. i'm rather looking forward to this paint job. i think it'll at least cover the things that i see as crappy.

i guess i internalize a lot of my surroundings. i feel like i am my yard, or lack thereof. i guess it could be an easy metaphor for people to see. but i really would like something that i can care about in this god-awful city.