a string of constant disappointments

well, i suppose that's what life has seemed like recently. though not as negative as that once could have meant. life, recently, has been rather cyclical. that in itself is disappointing. the back-and-forth of.. well, everything really. i'm not sure if it's just me, or if things really get better, and then go right back to the irritating.

i've been trying to make this house something that it isn't for quite some time. since we moved back here, i've tried to turn this place into my family home. i was raised here. my parents divorced here. resentment, loathing, venting, bitching... all that was negative about my mom was here. a friend in high school warned me that my mom was snooping in my room, and reading my journals. all of this happened while we both lived here.

my mom found sobriety here. she learned to be a better person. there's a disconnect between these events for me, and it doesn't make this house... better.

i can look around at all of the things that STILL [fucking] need to get done, and wonder how she let things get so bad. she was such a clean-freak [forever!] that just basic maintenance would have sufficed. i remember patching a lot of little holes in the wall, like when a hung picture is taken down. the wall was polka-dotted with holes downstairs. i asked her why she'd never done it, and she replied something along the lines of "i never knew what to use"... i found the plaster powder in the garage. it was there, if she'd taken the time to look.

there's a purging that really does need to happen here for me. i think once the landscaper comes in and fixes this shit up it'll really feel like a different place. i already talked to my dad about painting the interior, and he said it would be ok, and we picked a color. there's promise ahead. i'm rather looking forward to this paint job. i think it'll at least cover the things that i see as crappy.

i guess i internalize a lot of my surroundings. i feel like i am my yard, or lack thereof. i guess it could be an easy metaphor for people to see. but i really would like something that i can care about in this god-awful city.