what is it that drives us a human beings? what is your personal purpose? mine is to be happy. to reach this goal it needs to be completely deconstructed. what is it to be happy? what outside influences help to bring me closer to this destination, and what comes from within?
why does it seem like so many of my generation suffer from co-dependence? what were our parents' parents like? well, i know my mom's parents decided to act on "children are to be seen and not heard". SO, people pick and choose what they are going to use in their own life. my mom decided to allow my sister and i to have a voice. other decisions made by both of my parents were probably bad ones. but that is not to say that all their decisions were bad. they just didn't realize.
thus the addict is born.
with addiction comes co-dependence. a disease born of addiction is one in itself. i am a fixer. now mind you this is not the only type of co-de. let's look at what it was like in school for a minute. when there is/was a competition in school, "they" no longer felt that only first-, second-, and third-place winners got a trophy. everyone that participated got some sort of recognition. this breeds a group of people that don't realize that they can strive for excellence. we can just get by in life.
which is to say that we also don't learn a lot of things. we don't learn how to accept a compliment. we don't learn that it's OK to be the best at something. it's OK to blend into the crowd.
so what makes you stand out? or better yet, what are you afraid of: i am afraid of public speaking. to stand in front of a class and give a report, afraid to fuck up. afraid to sound unintelligent. deconstruct your fears. are you afraid of commitment? are you afraid to love? are you afraid to dance in public? why would you be? what is the ROOT of this fear?: were you abused [physical/mental/emotional] as a kid? were you neglected? was everything you loved taken away? and did you know that's not your fault?
so i'm afraid to speak, because i'm afraid that i'll be good at it. of course i'm afraid of failure, that's not even really an issue that i'd like to address at the moment. [i'm pretty sure everyone deep down is afraid to fail] but i'm more afraid to succeed. i always have been.
take my "potential" from high school for instance. i got pretty good grades in school. i could have gotten into college, graduated with my bachelors and onto my masters at this point in life. i chose the easy way and entered that "program" in high school that basically allowed kids to slack off. i could have gotten into honors classes if i wanted to, but instead i was busy chasing boys. i was always obsessed with one or another. i was trying to fill a void.
parents divorced, blah blah blah, and i lived my life the way i thought everyone expected a child of divorce to live. i acted the part of a broken-home kid, and a latch-key-kid. my grades ended up suffering, and i used the excuse that my parents were getting divorced. at the time that didn't really affect me. it wasn't until romantic relationships became an issue really.
i think all of my friends were in a similar boat if not at the same time in their lives, then at some point. we were all forced to grow up too soon. because our parents forgot what it was like to be a kid. they forgot that there are things that kids need to do, love, and experience to make them into healthy adults. i was never really given the oportunity to fail, because i always got the "participation" award.
Thanks for trying, we know you gave it your best:
destroys a persons sense of self-worth. to know that it's OK to fight for something. to know that yes: to fail does mean that you're not as good as the kid in 1st place, but you can STRIVE to become that great. and better. that you can set new records.
it's ok to be yourself. who are you? a collection of past events in a shell that looks how you look, and you can look any way you want. you can be that cute hipster girl with the strategically unkempt hair-do, or that brainy-nerd girl, [obviously i am a girl therefore speaking like one, but you know the same applies to the boys]. you can portray yourself as the meek little confused person, or you can act like you have all the self-confidence in the world. and that's how everyone will see you. whether you are faking it or not, it really doesn't matter.
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i am not going to edit this entry before posting it. if there are things that are unclear i apologize, and any spelling errors, well, it's the general idea i am more concerned about. for the moment i am the story-teller, and i am unconcerned with the intellectual construction of the sentence.
but i do know what makes me happy. i realized it all yesterday [and promptly forgot some of it]. i cannot say that i am "religious", but am spiritual. my highest power is love. i guess it can be equated with the "Christian" God, in that:
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (New International Version)
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails.... *1Jo 4:16 — And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him. **
it is the church that takes metaphores and needs a tangible source for "God". if god is love, then why must we speak in terms of he, she, or it. it just is. it is love. why must it be about religion and conformity, and leaders, and not just that which is love? lust is not the same thing. there is trust with love. and trust makes it easier. i don't want anyone to read this and think i have become some religious nutter, because that's not what this is at all. i am attempting to re-apply my religious education to something that actually makes sense. it is not often that a bible scripture comes to mind, but i did want to share that with you. my reader.
i hope you enjoyed this, and didn't take any ill-meaning to heart. i am a fixer, and i probably got frustrated with each and every one of you [some several times] because in my heart i thought it was my job to fix you, and i couldn't accept the fact that you might just be happy the way you are.
*source: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+13:4-8
**http://www.blueletterbible.org/tsk_b/1Jo/4/16.html
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