inevitability

i suppose it's inevitable to change. i mean, really, we change every day to some degree. it's always interesting, if not devastating, to see how people you were once close to change so drastically. or, on the other hand, not at all. many people grow into something more responsible, adult, responsive, than their high-school past self. too many people grow into something mediocre, and "middle-class" average. and others still, don't change one bit.

whether it's who you're attracted to, how you react to situations, or what have you. change is one of those things that helps us to survive in the always-changing world. maybe it's "stability" in not changing. or maybe it's stubbornness, or maybe it's just... pathetic. which is sad in itself.

i was just on the phone with heather earlier, and we were discussing what it is to be a parent. that was a huge adjustment in my life. as it's supposed to be. but, i am also still myself [or, at least i try to remain me], which is to say, once i was "mother", that didn't become my only role. i think too many people with unhealthy parental role-models assume that you have to lose who you are to become a parent. that's just not true at all. that's sad. everyone copes with becoming a parent differently. the last couple of days have been super hard, since Oli has been throwing tantrums a lot. it's something new for her to try out. and we need to be strong, and not throw fuel on the fire.

part of being a parent is being aware.
of your actions, reactions, responses, body-language, interactions with others, and many other things. if, say, Oli was to break her arm. to react in a panic would only make her freak out more. which wouldn't be comforting. and would train her to over-react to everything later in life. the other day i was using the scalpel, and forgot i placed it on the floor when i got her up from her nap. she found it, and cut a little slice in her fore-finger. so i helped her clean it, and stop the bleeding, while comforting her, and not screaming, or crying. she handled it quite well. needless to say, the scalpel is put away now. but i could have blown everything out of proportion, and made everything worse.

it's being in control of yourself, and not letting impatience overtake you. not like i try to be in control though. recently i realized that i try to control... EVERYTHING. and one of those external controls[time] has been kicking my ass lately. i attempt to not pay too close attention to the time anymore, though that's unrealistic in some situations.