something makes me wonder if i'm seen as a negative influence. i'm not even entirely sure that would bother me. i know what goes on in my head, and the motivation behind my choices. sometimes i make immature choices.
sometimes i have an emotional response, which i know is incorrect.
i think this all goes back to my idea to obliterate "preconceived notions". i am trying quite hard to do this. it's hard. like my friend Heather, whose parents did not teach her much (but did frighten her of a lot of things), i must re-learn quite a bit. i actually had a conversation with my mother about "social stigmas" and what they mean, and what their disappearance would mean. she proceeded to become very uptight, and negative toward me.
what are these notions born from? is it really your past experience? or is it something you've been blindly convinced of? "think for yourself, question authority"... it's a pretty basic statement, and one that i've pondered about quite a few times, but never really grasping the gravity of it's entirety. ok, so i like to believe that i think for myself. at least, i am capable of retrieving data that is stored in my brain, and i can tap into memories of my own (not to even get into the ever changing status of our memories!), but this whole "question authority" part is what just blew my mind last night. i used to think of it in MUCH more superficial ways. you know that whole "anarchist" point of view. the cheesey symbols, and refusing a government (totally dumbed down i know), but to truly QUESTION AUTHORITY:
what does this mean to you? who are my authorities? a very brief search for the word "authority" brings up law, government, experts, parents, "an accepted source" [whatever the fuck that means], a persuasive force.
naturally our parents should be an authority in our lives. people we can trust to make informed decisions in tune with their moral compass. but how many people are so individualized to realize that is what they are doing? so many people just go along with the masses because it's easier to not think for yourself.
let's look at something rather simple. there are people in your life that you probably will not like. through years of training, i am an expert[authority] at being passive-aggressive. so, when i don't care to be around a person, rather than make them feel bad, i avoid them. that's probably also a co-dependent trait. what is it about me that makes me unable, completely incapable, to be that brand of mean to someone? is it even really mean? i'm not deciding that this person is a bad person, or evil-incarnate, i am just happier when they are not around, which makes me not want to be around them. big frickin deal.
i'm guessing that my whole life i've always wanted everyone to like me, so it seems crazy to tell someone that i don't like them. and i mean genuinely not like me. not just because your husband was in love with me, and you're jealous now, because i'm still prettier than you. *smack!* oh, yeah i noticed that.
i DO dislike people. genuinely good people. they mean no harm, yet i still just fucking dislike them. and i just can't bring myself to tell them. i suppose i am so self-centered that i think they'll be bothered by it enough for it to be a big deal. woo. i love having that kind of power over people [whether or not it's only in my mind we'll probably never know]. i have so many people fooled. and all i do really, is compare my life with theirs. oh, i do try to make my home as nice as i can as often as i can, but boy! lemme tell you, if i know someone will be over, i'm going to clean even more, and give the illusion that i can do it all! as a stay at home mom. i guess i should thank my mom for that. i probably already have.
so then, these social stigmas. i. smoke. pot. i also bake cookies, and invite friends over. i. do. drink. whatever.
i am a responsible parent too, i never do these things with my child aware. i never do these things if it will endanger her. i am also a hostess by nature. if i smoke pot, and you're at my house [and i have enough] i will offer for you to smoke. it has nothing to do with the fact that i want someone high with me. it's just simply offering what i have if someone sees me indulging. the same would go for iced tea, coffee, cake, ice cream[only one kind though]. or fricking scrapbooking if that's what i'm doing. i think there's this notion that i'm a "fucking stoner", or a "pusher". i happen to be able to function well, if not better, in society than most people i know. even with all this shit in my head. yes this has gotten a little defensive, even aggressive. i probably stock up on all my aggression to unleash it in written form. it makes it a little more permanent.
tangent: i was sorting through my old blogs on yourspace, and it was quite interesting to see when everything started changing. in regards to... well, everything.
pickles.
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