could it be? a regret?

perhaps.

i discovered a letter from my dad to my mom, i am assuming written near the collapse of their marriage. it was filled with anger, and brutal honesty. a so much adoration.
how can that be?! even as he was expressing his [well deserved] anger, he allowed her to continue to use him as her door mat. it was heartbreaking to see how much he loved and hated her.

i was cleaning my garage, and i had cleaned out all of the expired food, and junk from the shelves. i sorted through all the old baby clothes, toys, donatables, and keepables. and i came across a large plastic bin, which had pictures, letters, graduation announcements, and all that crap. and i see this letter, and i read it. the entire 4 pages of pain, lack of sex, and mind games. i wonder if my sisters' dislike of my mom was fueled by our dad. when my mom kicked her out, she moved in with him [well, my mom delivered her things to my dad's doorstep the day of his wedding], and claims that he was more a "friend" than a "dad". i can see how that would work. he's never really been... an authority figure really.

he's always been on this search for happiness and acceptance, something many of us are familiar with. he thought he found that with my mom. but she was just as broken as he was, if not more. he thought he found that with his new wife, but she just really ended up being an enabler. she's just as co-dependent as the rest of us. if not worse. and in complete denial.

it's hard to explain to people [especially when they are co-de too] what it is to be co-dependent. and why it's such a damaging thing. i don't remember talking to my dad about my classes. or his wife. i don't think i'd be able to properly describe it. i guess it's like being an addict.