i'm not sure what i should be feeling.

my grandmother is in the hospital again. she had/has cancer. it's the thyroid. they did surgery a while ago to remove it, and they knew they weren't going to get it all. then they did iodine treatments, and she stopped eating. then she was pretty much o.k. until she went to her check up, and they said that it wasn't gone.
she didn't want to go through chemo, we all knew that, but the iodine wasn't so bad i guess. so she had a second surgery scheduled for last friday (the 9th), and they said she did really well, and they got all of it, and they were going to resume the iodine soon. they said she was doing so well that they were just going to put her in her room instead of the i.c.u.
so my mom called me today to let me know that she had coded. my aunt called her to let her know. so, suck.
(a fantastic song just started playing on my pandora!)
i can't say i'm really... sad, it just seems like a shame. i can't say we were ever really close, another shame. i can't say how i feel, maybe i'm waiting to hear one way or the other. people die all the time. she believes in God with a big "g", and she's at peace with her lord (or whatever it is that gets you in heaven), so she's prepared. i mean, at the first diagnosis she was ready for death. not in a morbid sense, just in a realistic way. who knows, maybe i'm just being realistic too. we'll see.