i'm here, but i'm still not back.

i went to portland. it was wonderful. not to just see those people near and dear to my heart, nor to meet new people, but to feel like i finally belonged somewhere. a woman said to me that "portland is what san francisco wishes it was". that statement rings so true to me. i didn't feel shunned, or scoffed at in any store we walked into, i didn't feel mediocre in any way. it felt, well, like i just went home for the first time. no melo-drama, just fact. everyone there was so kind and polite. if you bump into someone, there's an apology, in the 5 days i was there, i encountered one asshole driver. 1. i mean it, just the one. no one honked, no one sped up on my ass, no one cut anyone else off. it was the largest small town i've ever been to. i've been back here since monday night, and i'm still in oregon. it's sad, i wish we were there so badly. ezra isn't sold on the idea yet. obviously, having never been there, he's skeptical. and i'm on my way to being heart broken.

i guess it really doesn't matter where we end up, "as long as we're together"... so cheesy, but apropriate. i was quite lonely in portland, sort of. it was nice being switzerland. i was the neutral ground. i suppose that's how you can tell if you're a cool person or not. i am: no chance at pussy, because i am married; a confidant woman (again, no chance at the kitty); totally unattainable (sexually); and... yeah, a cool person. people still wanted to hang out with me, probably more so once they found out that "my family" wasn't a cult.. haha..

driving "home" felt so empty in context. i was so excited to be back with my family, but the location made me want to heave (what's new?). the colors are all wrong here, the hue is off. and i've already invited Elfie to move up there too. i think she'd thrive there. hell, i think anyone with an open mind would thrive there. everyone that i talked with that grew up there loved it.

but really, i was watching Sesame Street with Olivia earlier today, and we caught a segment with Grover. i suddenly had a flash of how i used to feel when i lived on my own in san francisco. after Davin left, i would hang out with Kim. she came over and asked me if i had anything to put on her Grover doll's head to make a Super-Grover. so i gave her a little metal dipping cup i'd gotten from some restaurant somewhere. strange the things that thrust you into another time. it was comforting to feel that in my belly. i can't describe it well. it was warm, and a sepia-orange. i think it was my confidence. i can't really think what else it could have been.