haven't actually completed a blog in a while

so i sat down to write a bitch-blog the other day, and while i was typing i got a phone call basically completely nullifying the entire thing, so i just deleted it.

i can't begin to express, well, i don't know what it is. we're broke. we're always broke. it fucking sucks. it's not always bad, but right now we're actually using our credit card for purchases we probably can't afford. and it's probably not that big of a deal, but we probably can't really even afford gas. but it's ok? i don't get how it's ok.

i confronted Ezra politely today about how we don't spend time together anymore. i mean, watching tv is NOT time together. we used to go for bike rides all the time, and go for walks. i'm talking pre-Oli days. if you knew us then you know what i mean. and he agreed. he said he would try to change that. now, i'm sitting at home while Oli sleeps, and he was just gonna stop by and pick up Elfie, now Richard too (which isn't a problem, I just don't get why he's so adamant on driving them when they're both coming over and have a car), but he gets sucked into watching Red Dwarf? Really?

Well fuck, I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but I have issues. I used to date a guy for six fucking years that didn't do shit, and every time I would get together with our friends and him, it would be all this talk about crap they did together. Quoting stupid tv shows, or whatever, but it was just a reminder of how I WASN'T THERE. I'm sorry, but it really gets to me when people do that kind of shit, and I really want to punch him in the fucking face right now.

I can't get the fact that he does shit ALL THE TIME THAT IRRITATES ME, and when I smoke, he gets mad. Fuck it. I earn it. If I want to do something to myself, whatthefuck, just let me do it, and back the fuck off. This isn't passive aggressive at all I suppose. but fuck it. i need a place to vent, collect my brain, and let it explode. oh, i think he's home.

great fucking start to my evening.
woo.

Whelmed

Austin's 3rd birthday was today. We were almost an hour late. I was supposed to do the facepainting, but Olivia had pretty bad diaper rash, so we had to give her an un-planned-for-bath, which put us behind. then of course it's one thing after another. the barista took forFUCKINGever when i got coffee, the guy at the atm before ezra had to deposit like 1000 single dollar bills one by one into his account or something, so yeah, i am an irritated ball of fucking stress.

grr.

class is almost done. the last stupid touches have to be done to the manuscript, then it'll go to graphics monday morning. that'll be a HUGE relief. maybe i will be able to like hanging out with richard once this is all over. (no offence if you read this.)...

feeling a little...

i guess i'm feeling depressed? i can't really figure it out, and it's hard to focus.

i'm feeling helpless. i'm even almost feeling useless. there is a dam about to burst right now, and i don't know what to do next. i don't know if i should just call Elfie to have a shoulder to cry on, i don't know if i should just escape more from my own brain and smoke. i got an email earlier today that pretty much removed all posibility of joining the air force. i was toying with the idea for stability, for movement, for purpose, for a paycheck, for a career i could retire from in 20 years.

thinking i have no creativity at the moment. it's sucking pretty hard. i feel like i can't even make a productive sentence. i'm not used to needing people. i am usually the one people turn to for support. perhaps i am too proud to ask for help? (no, not suicide dummy!)

i just feel...

desperate.

strange dream

it was back in a time where i lived, breathed, dreamed, and worked all in the same place. it was a time of truly finding myself, discovering that i do possess authority, that i am a sexual being. it was back at that time when there were no unreasonable commitments, when when when.

the colors were a muted shade of forgetfulness, but the faces stood out. i remember what he looked like, that we used to joke about him being my "other boyfriend", though nothing ever happened. there was one time that something could have happened yet i made the smart move and went home. to ezra's house. i'm not sure if it was completely imagined, but there was sexual tension between the two of us, up till the day i got married. i may have seen him one more time after that.

fast forward to present day, and somehow my brain remembered all of this. the floppy hair, the grin, my own confusion. the day he came over to my house, i was doing hair cuts, and he ended up spending the night on the couch. it's strange how many memories can be tied to one person. at some point we got together, probably for that coffee date people have been talking so much about. just to "catch up" i presume. maybe it was just an email that piqued my interest? a phone call?

i ordered my coffee, sat around, he walks in wearing a nondescript outfit, hair cut like when we first met, i looked as i do right now, hair shaggy, dressed very plain. he sees me, grins, sits down for a chat. the conversation flows in a blur, and i end up asking him if he every really had the hots for me. he blushes. something i've never seen on him before. through all the random conversations about sex we'd had in the past, never a pink to his face. he gives a little laugh, tells me that i'm so unobservant, and that "yes, of course" he was in to me.

then olivia woke up, and started yelling, which woke me up. at least the dream seemed to have a conclusion...

a miniscule update

it's probably not a big deal to anyone really, i thought i'd write an update of what i've been doing (as Julia, me, not really Julia/mommy). i've been having more me-time recently, which has been very nice. my class really makes me feel like i have purpose aside from mommy-ness.

there's been some effed-up confusion with the fliers for submissions, and i've had to "fix" it about 4 times now. a simple edit would have sufficed on the original, but eh, who's keeping track. they should be printed by tuesday, and crammed into envelopes by wed, in the mail, and received by the following week. here's to hoping.

i've been getting together with friends more often, which is nice. Ezra called me earlier on his break at work and told me that he likes having people over. i have to say, from time to time the mess left afterwards is a little daunting, but it's a quick fix. plus, it's nice to have a break myself from the full attention that Oli demands, she adores Elfie, and demands her attention instead. so it all works out.

so yeah, i need to shower. have some more me-time.

i've been doing a little thinking [big surprise]

life's been pretty busy these days, and some things have fallen to the back-burner. olivia's had a bit of a fever the last couple of days, but no other symptoms really. we've been giving her small doses of tylenol, which has been working well. buuuuuuuuuuuuuut, at times i seem to get a little frazzled over the stupidest things. a couple of weeks ago, i opened the cupboard door to get a plate, and i actually got irritated that ezra used a different bowl than i wanted.

really?!

i can't say i'm an abnormally organized person, or that i... "nit-pick" much, but it really bothered me. at that moment i had to take a step back and ask myself, whothefuck is going to see inside my cabinets? and of those people, how many are really going to give a crap how it's organized?

thanks mom.

i can only assume that i got it from her. the woman that wouldn't let me vacuum because i would leave lines in the carpet. i know i've referenced that before, but it's one of those things that kinda crops up at the strangest times.

my dad & step-mom came over this week, that was fun. of course, i cleaned like a motherfucker as fast as i could so that they wouldn't be... disappointed? i don't really know what i was afraid of. i used the excuse that he's our landlord, but i don't think that was really it. i think it's the residual of the mentality of "a clean home is a happy home" when in reality, a clean home is a bored wife. or cocaine. of which i am neither, sooo, it just adds completely useless stress.

jim breuer is on tv right now. he was joking about relationships. how when we're young and dating just making out was excuse enough to be 3 hours late to work, and when you're married the only turn on is when the husband cleans the house. seriously. it is such a turn on to see the house cleaned. i see it as so much less work i have to do, less stress, and more... what?... participation on his part? i suppose.

well, i think that's about all i can think of right now.

"at least my penis isn't bleeding"... really?

sorry, i'm listening to [house] right now. anyhow, there's been a lot of success these past few [weeks]days. i've made a few tiny hats, one of which was promptly purchased. that was pretty awesome. i've started working on another one, buttons. that's right; buttons. oooooh.

class is going pretty well. i think today proved to be the most productive so far. we actually started talking[albeit we only really introduced ourselves, and said what we thought our role is in class]. the flier is made, and to-be-stuffed on friday. i'm just hoping i'm not the only one that shows up. i mean, i think i'm the most accessable pupil since i can bring olivia with me to class, and i have a car available. i'm gonna try to kidnap elfie and (what'sa)trung to help out.

i'm actually really excited about this.