something slightly missing

so, the feeling is improved, but still, something is lacking. i can't quite put my finger on it, otherwise i'd improve my situation, and upgrade to.. sufficient. possibly not "happy", but content. i think there is a stubborn part that wants to remain steadily unhappy as a defense mechanism to protect myself from the city abroad. outdoors, the only thing i see is really irritating, empty, void, fucking fairfield. it's strange to me that anyone would MISS this place.

watched a bit of the wedding singer the other night. reminded me of the line that his bitch ex-fiance says about "i want to get out of ridgefield!" and he's like "why would anyone want to leave ridgefield?!"

i'll tell you why i want to leave ridgefield! it fucking blows is why. there's no change here. it's exactly the same as it was in the shitty 90's, the same stores [ok, there are some new ones, but it's no improvement], the same attractions [or lack thereof], the same small-minded ignorant assholes, if not more of them.

sure the famed bay area isn't perfect. the ghettos are ghetto-er, the rich are richer, and the extremes are extreme-er, but give me a break! at least there's something to do. when you ride your bike, assholes don't scream at you out of their humongous jacked-up pick-up truck, because.. well, why do they do that anyway?

you can't be happy in your house when your house isn't in a neighborhood you WANT to be in. if you walk outside, and you want to strategically projectile vomit on every person in your neighborhood [aside from the bad-ass-ness of that act, it's quite a vile thought, and shouldn't be saved for people you like!], you probably shouldn't live there. you should live in a community, where you feel welcome. not like you want to run all the little shit head kids over in one of those gigantic pick-up trucks.

living in san francisco was amazing. i lived in a neighborhood that i loved, walking distance to cute stores, yummy food, and i happened to live with my best friend. moving back to fairfield, i think, is my only "regret". i think it was a mistake.

i was chatting on the phone earlier today with an acquaintence of mine, who just moved to the same area my mom just moved from. it is a nice area, close to downtown, the library, the community center, one of the only artist studios, farmer's market. and here i sit, everything being about an hours walk from our house. everything is so far from everything else.

i know it's the same complaints, but i mean really! i don't know if this place has any redeeming qualities. other than to drink and drink and drink and smoke...

most of the "fun" things i can think to do here are just to kill time.