haven't actually completed a blog in a while

so i sat down to write a bitch-blog the other day, and while i was typing i got a phone call basically completely nullifying the entire thing, so i just deleted it.

i can't begin to express, well, i don't know what it is. we're broke. we're always broke. it fucking sucks. it's not always bad, but right now we're actually using our credit card for purchases we probably can't afford. and it's probably not that big of a deal, but we probably can't really even afford gas. but it's ok? i don't get how it's ok.

i confronted Ezra politely today about how we don't spend time together anymore. i mean, watching tv is NOT time together. we used to go for bike rides all the time, and go for walks. i'm talking pre-Oli days. if you knew us then you know what i mean. and he agreed. he said he would try to change that. now, i'm sitting at home while Oli sleeps, and he was just gonna stop by and pick up Elfie, now Richard too (which isn't a problem, I just don't get why he's so adamant on driving them when they're both coming over and have a car), but he gets sucked into watching Red Dwarf? Really?

Well fuck, I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but I have issues. I used to date a guy for six fucking years that didn't do shit, and every time I would get together with our friends and him, it would be all this talk about crap they did together. Quoting stupid tv shows, or whatever, but it was just a reminder of how I WASN'T THERE. I'm sorry, but it really gets to me when people do that kind of shit, and I really want to punch him in the fucking face right now.

I can't get the fact that he does shit ALL THE TIME THAT IRRITATES ME, and when I smoke, he gets mad. Fuck it. I earn it. If I want to do something to myself, whatthefuck, just let me do it, and back the fuck off. This isn't passive aggressive at all I suppose. but fuck it. i need a place to vent, collect my brain, and let it explode. oh, i think he's home.

great fucking start to my evening.
woo.

Whelmed

Austin's 3rd birthday was today. We were almost an hour late. I was supposed to do the facepainting, but Olivia had pretty bad diaper rash, so we had to give her an un-planned-for-bath, which put us behind. then of course it's one thing after another. the barista took forFUCKINGever when i got coffee, the guy at the atm before ezra had to deposit like 1000 single dollar bills one by one into his account or something, so yeah, i am an irritated ball of fucking stress.

grr.

class is almost done. the last stupid touches have to be done to the manuscript, then it'll go to graphics monday morning. that'll be a HUGE relief. maybe i will be able to like hanging out with richard once this is all over. (no offence if you read this.)...

feeling a little...

i guess i'm feeling depressed? i can't really figure it out, and it's hard to focus.

i'm feeling helpless. i'm even almost feeling useless. there is a dam about to burst right now, and i don't know what to do next. i don't know if i should just call Elfie to have a shoulder to cry on, i don't know if i should just escape more from my own brain and smoke. i got an email earlier today that pretty much removed all posibility of joining the air force. i was toying with the idea for stability, for movement, for purpose, for a paycheck, for a career i could retire from in 20 years.

thinking i have no creativity at the moment. it's sucking pretty hard. i feel like i can't even make a productive sentence. i'm not used to needing people. i am usually the one people turn to for support. perhaps i am too proud to ask for help? (no, not suicide dummy!)

i just feel...

desperate.

strange dream

it was back in a time where i lived, breathed, dreamed, and worked all in the same place. it was a time of truly finding myself, discovering that i do possess authority, that i am a sexual being. it was back at that time when there were no unreasonable commitments, when when when.

the colors were a muted shade of forgetfulness, but the faces stood out. i remember what he looked like, that we used to joke about him being my "other boyfriend", though nothing ever happened. there was one time that something could have happened yet i made the smart move and went home. to ezra's house. i'm not sure if it was completely imagined, but there was sexual tension between the two of us, up till the day i got married. i may have seen him one more time after that.

fast forward to present day, and somehow my brain remembered all of this. the floppy hair, the grin, my own confusion. the day he came over to my house, i was doing hair cuts, and he ended up spending the night on the couch. it's strange how many memories can be tied to one person. at some point we got together, probably for that coffee date people have been talking so much about. just to "catch up" i presume. maybe it was just an email that piqued my interest? a phone call?

i ordered my coffee, sat around, he walks in wearing a nondescript outfit, hair cut like when we first met, i looked as i do right now, hair shaggy, dressed very plain. he sees me, grins, sits down for a chat. the conversation flows in a blur, and i end up asking him if he every really had the hots for me. he blushes. something i've never seen on him before. through all the random conversations about sex we'd had in the past, never a pink to his face. he gives a little laugh, tells me that i'm so unobservant, and that "yes, of course" he was in to me.

then olivia woke up, and started yelling, which woke me up. at least the dream seemed to have a conclusion...

a miniscule update

it's probably not a big deal to anyone really, i thought i'd write an update of what i've been doing (as Julia, me, not really Julia/mommy). i've been having more me-time recently, which has been very nice. my class really makes me feel like i have purpose aside from mommy-ness.

there's been some effed-up confusion with the fliers for submissions, and i've had to "fix" it about 4 times now. a simple edit would have sufficed on the original, but eh, who's keeping track. they should be printed by tuesday, and crammed into envelopes by wed, in the mail, and received by the following week. here's to hoping.

i've been getting together with friends more often, which is nice. Ezra called me earlier on his break at work and told me that he likes having people over. i have to say, from time to time the mess left afterwards is a little daunting, but it's a quick fix. plus, it's nice to have a break myself from the full attention that Oli demands, she adores Elfie, and demands her attention instead. so it all works out.

so yeah, i need to shower. have some more me-time.

i've been doing a little thinking [big surprise]

life's been pretty busy these days, and some things have fallen to the back-burner. olivia's had a bit of a fever the last couple of days, but no other symptoms really. we've been giving her small doses of tylenol, which has been working well. buuuuuuuuuuuuuut, at times i seem to get a little frazzled over the stupidest things. a couple of weeks ago, i opened the cupboard door to get a plate, and i actually got irritated that ezra used a different bowl than i wanted.

really?!

i can't say i'm an abnormally organized person, or that i... "nit-pick" much, but it really bothered me. at that moment i had to take a step back and ask myself, whothefuck is going to see inside my cabinets? and of those people, how many are really going to give a crap how it's organized?

thanks mom.

i can only assume that i got it from her. the woman that wouldn't let me vacuum because i would leave lines in the carpet. i know i've referenced that before, but it's one of those things that kinda crops up at the strangest times.

my dad & step-mom came over this week, that was fun. of course, i cleaned like a motherfucker as fast as i could so that they wouldn't be... disappointed? i don't really know what i was afraid of. i used the excuse that he's our landlord, but i don't think that was really it. i think it's the residual of the mentality of "a clean home is a happy home" when in reality, a clean home is a bored wife. or cocaine. of which i am neither, sooo, it just adds completely useless stress.

jim breuer is on tv right now. he was joking about relationships. how when we're young and dating just making out was excuse enough to be 3 hours late to work, and when you're married the only turn on is when the husband cleans the house. seriously. it is such a turn on to see the house cleaned. i see it as so much less work i have to do, less stress, and more... what?... participation on his part? i suppose.

well, i think that's about all i can think of right now.

"at least my penis isn't bleeding"... really?

sorry, i'm listening to [house] right now. anyhow, there's been a lot of success these past few [weeks]days. i've made a few tiny hats, one of which was promptly purchased. that was pretty awesome. i've started working on another one, buttons. that's right; buttons. oooooh.

class is going pretty well. i think today proved to be the most productive so far. we actually started talking[albeit we only really introduced ourselves, and said what we thought our role is in class]. the flier is made, and to-be-stuffed on friday. i'm just hoping i'm not the only one that shows up. i mean, i think i'm the most accessable pupil since i can bring olivia with me to class, and i have a car available. i'm gonna try to kidnap elfie and (what'sa)trung to help out.

i'm actually really excited about this.

i'm not sure what i should be feeling.

my grandmother is in the hospital again. she had/has cancer. it's the thyroid. they did surgery a while ago to remove it, and they knew they weren't going to get it all. then they did iodine treatments, and she stopped eating. then she was pretty much o.k. until she went to her check up, and they said that it wasn't gone.
she didn't want to go through chemo, we all knew that, but the iodine wasn't so bad i guess. so she had a second surgery scheduled for last friday (the 9th), and they said she did really well, and they got all of it, and they were going to resume the iodine soon. they said she was doing so well that they were just going to put her in her room instead of the i.c.u.
so my mom called me today to let me know that she had coded. my aunt called her to let her know. so, suck.
(a fantastic song just started playing on my pandora!)
i can't say i'm really... sad, it just seems like a shame. i can't say we were ever really close, another shame. i can't say how i feel, maybe i'm waiting to hear one way or the other. people die all the time. she believes in God with a big "g", and she's at peace with her lord (or whatever it is that gets you in heaven), so she's prepared. i mean, at the first diagnosis she was ready for death. not in a morbid sense, just in a realistic way. who knows, maybe i'm just being realistic too. we'll see.

Hello 2009?

Well, recently I have wondered the validity of "new years resolutions", and even the significance of the new year in general. I suppose for me, it's just an easy date to remember. Nothing more. It also troubles me that an entire planet uses the same event to measure time. I know there's a Jewish calendar, and the Mayan calendar, but widely, across the planet, it is the year 2009. Not to mention the several years we've lost as records-keepers were quite inaccurate centuries ago. It's not 2009, it hasn't been 2009 years since... was it Christ's death, or birth? When are we even measuring from?

Yet it is a good time to remind oneself that goals are a good thing. Fuck "resolutions". I feel this term is for the unimaginative. I was inspired by my dear friend Elfie to re-visit my goals I'd previously invented for myself, perhaps three years ago. It reminded me that there is more to life than the unfinished business here at my house. I am reminded that there are other facets to me, that I've forgotten about. Places I want to travel, things I want to see, and, well, I've never forgotten that I want to move from this shit-hole of a town.

Elfie reminded me just how crucial goals can be. Especially for the soft-of-mind. I've become very forgetful in my mothering-days. It's like a drug that takes away the peaks, like when I was in labor. At the end of the day, no matter how annoyed I was, or upset things made me, I will undoubtably say I had a good day. I don't know if it is my programming, or just that I have a blissful amnesia of the days torments. So the memory gets altered, Olivia goes to bed, and my day feels like it's really starting around 7pm. I get alone time, I get to spend time with Ezra, I get to watch a movie, check my email, do the little tasks around the house I wanted to do, but Olivia would destroy (she's a little... haphazard).

I like having substance, rules, goals, due dates, an end product. I like to be able to look at my accomplishments. I also like the fact that I am that artsy chick I always thought was cool when I was growing up. I like that my shirts have home-made stencil art on them, that I can show up to a party with a hat I made (mostly from scratch), and that people compliment my work. I like that I am that chick, finally. And my husband is freaking making guitars in our kitchen! I love that level of creativity.