The Cycles of Commitment

I do a thing that I like, for a while, get bored, and find something new to work on.
over
and
over...


and over.
Blogging, half filled journals in my room, art journals with unfinished ideas, sewing projects piling up in the spare room. (I'm actually getting to those, I promise.)
Inspiration is fleeting, and as soon as it happens, I'm the type of person who has to have a record of it, so I don't let it slip away. I get pretty good ideas from time to time.

Mortality has a fascinating way of doing the exact same thing to us all. Half filled lives, living to play a video game, or the midnight release of a movie. It's jumping from one empty filler to another, lacking any substance. We get together over a friends death, and we're angry. We're sad. There are tears and beers being spilled for a good person.

This isn't supposed to be slamming anyone, or to be that inspiring life-changing motivator, just a record for myself that I don't mind sharing with others, my friends, those people that are important to my personality, experiences, and my history.

Soul searching is a stupid term but I'll use it here for the time being. It happens when people you know die. My cousin committed suicide two days after Christmas last year. He took his gun, left his phone at home, drove for about an hour to a restricted service road and shot himself. He was an amazing man who probably could have benefited from counseling. He believed that his whole life was going to be destroyed anyway, so I guess he figured he'd just do it himself. There was no note. But there sure as hell were people that loved him. I bring this up because my friend Devon also decided to not be alive anymore. I think my cousin's suicide is playing a lot into how Devon's has effected me. Devon and I weren't close, he was sort of one of the satellite friends orbiting in the greater universe of my social group, but most of us knew who he was, and a lot of people called him family. He was loved and loveable.

I've gotten closer with friends over his loss, people I should have been closer with before. I'm getting off my ass to get out of the small rut in which I've agreed to be, not consciously mind you. It's easy to do the day-to-day and be unhappy, but it takes real courage and strength to see your dreams come to fruition. There are beautiful things in each of our futures, but you have to know how to look at it in a different light at times.

What do you want to be when you grow up? I'd like to be self-sufficient, and a bad ass. Yep, I'm meeting with a cosmetology school tomorrow. We all know about my hair obsessions. I'm still going to babysit, and Ezra's probably going to remain at the B3 for a while, but we're both going to attempt the school thing, for an end result. I went to Solano for a while, dicked around, planned my own schedule without a goal. I was going to learn what I wanted to learn, and took care of some general ed while I was at it, but I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. Part of me is irritated with the fact that I've lived in Fairfield most of my life, and I didn't realize any of this. I am nearing the big three oh, and it's definitely time to get started with actualizing my future.

Current project ideas

• Fill a wine bottle with ideas, well-wishes, generic enthusiasm, all artistically stylized, either by the writer, or by a partner artist, morbid, beautiful, curious, fantastical, what-have-you. Mail said bottle to Amber Nuusa, make sure there is contact info to figure out where it ends up.
  

• Build miniature buildings, for alien civilizations and place in a public place, made to look like they belong there, with a time-lapse of photos that document how long these non-belonging pieces can remain without vandalism, or theft. Ultimately to be placed in SF, hopefully something smaller, and closer to test the process.
  

50 questions that will free your mind

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
   This is a good one to start with. I have to say that this one has changed a lot for me lately. I guess this depends on the perspective of the answerer, therefore my own. To me this would refer more to my wisdom, which has grown exponentially in the last couple of years. In short I would be 30. mature.
   
   
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
   Never trying. Failing is a product of attempt. If there is never an attempt, there will never be the potential for success.
   
   
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
   The things in life that I do which I do not enjoy are out of obligation. In the immediate, I am obligated to disciplining my child, but in the long run, I am creating a productive, and wonderful human being. As for liking things I don't do, i suppose i am hindered by financial capability. I would rather view these as things I am not able to do yet.
   
   
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
   I attempt to make my words meaningful. I would hope that I can *do* things with what I say, instead of blowing hot air. I adore efficiency. So, maybe.
   
   
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
   Priorities.
   
   
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
   Creating. Crafting. Learning.
   
   
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
   I believe in spending as much time as you can with your child. I feel like I could be doing a better job at it, but I do feel like this is going to be a rewarding endeavor. I make every attempt to do what I believe. As mentioned above, obligation and perspective tend to play a role in these actions. In order to not offend those closest to me, I do fake things at times, but mostly, I feel I stick to my guns.
   
   
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
   I would attempt to have better anger-management skills, and travel more. Some plans have been put on hold until Olivia starts school, and others have been postponed even further till she has moved out; at which point we will both be over 40, and very ready to take on our plans. Also, if the average life span was 40, our society would probably handle things differently as a whole, and timelines would be adjusted as a whole.
   
   
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
   Not enough of it. I tend to become lazy when I live in Fairfield. Most of my education has been laid out for me, instead of choosing my path myself. In high school I didn't really have the opportunity to make a choice by being rushed, then I attended community college, and attempted to begin a relationship with our counseling center, and never found it to be a useful resource. As for all the other aspects of my life, I like to think that I am in charge of my own... fate. I do become lazy when I live here, but I am still on a quest to become enriched, and learned in my every day life.
   
   
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
    Doing the right things.
    
    
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
    My "conscience" would like to believe that I would stand up for said-friend. I tend to be a social philosopher, and most times I will chime in as a contrast to what is being said. I can say that there have been many times a close friend comes up in conversation, and it can seem like an insulting conversation, as I usually attempt to internalize and introspect all up on myself. It's important to know that we all have our faults, and an easy way for people to relate would be to compare ourselves to our peers.
    
    
    
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
    Your only job in life is to find enjoyment.
    
    
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
    Absolutely. (Not murder perhaps.)
    
    
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
    Insanity and creativity are too linked to see one without the other. The only thing that really makes a person "insane" is a lack of cognitive control.
    
    
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
    This is hard to say. As it is I see everything I do as average, because it's the way I do a thing. My own perception is that I do everything in a "normal" fashion, but it's difficult to look at myself in an entirely objective light. In my attempts, I may find what is different. Eventually.
    
    
    
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
    Individual perception would be my generic answer. Some people have the need for outside reinforcement, while others find gratification in just doing. Everyone learns differently, and their upbringing will determine what they find entertaining.
    
    
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
    International travel - no passport, and financial unavailability are holding me back.
    
    
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
    I firmly believe that everyone holds on to something they need to let go. No matter how much we like to thing that "letting go" will bring closure, I can't say that it will not effect me. The subconscious is fucked that way. I don't think I have any regrets though. My past, though not something I might always want to re-live, I at least learned from those experiences.
    
    
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
    There are so many cities in this country that I would live, and there are probably a few countries that I would move to, and all for different reasons. I would LOVE to move to Portland; it's a great place for families, farmers markets, local economy, and bicycling. I would LOVE to move to New York (not necessarily the City proper, but kinda anywhere) as everyone is so MOTIVATED! I lack motivation a lot of the time, and just being in that environment is enough to get me going.
    
    
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
    No, and no. But I do press the cross walk button more than once. A friend told me a pattern to change the light faster. And I am gullible, so I try every once in a while. Though if you hold the floor button, and the door close button at the same time it will pass all other floors. Another good trick that I know.
    
    
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
    Worried genius. Obviously.
    
    
22. Why are you, you?
    I am a consequence of my entire history. And I am optimistic of my future successes.
    
    
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
    Mostly.
    
    
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
    Losing touch with a good friend, no matter the distance. It is always harder to re-kindle a relationship, especially a very close one, because you will probably not reach the same level, but will always attempt. When friends move away, it's proof that it's worth it when you can stay friends.
    
    
25. What are you most grateful for?
    My individuality and imagination.
    
    
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
    Ho boy. It's like that movie Memento. All memories are important to me, though older ones certainly become fleeting after a while. This mind is not a steel trap.
    
    
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
    Situationally, yes. I have "known" things that I had no evidence for. This would fall into the category of belief.
    
    
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
    My greatest fears are based on my personal history, so in a way yes, though my worst fears only magnify these histories.
    
    
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
    Nope. My motto: If it doesn't matter a month from now, a year, or 5 from now, then it's not a big deal.
    
    
30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
    
    
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
    New York, Burning Man, and when I create things to wear.
    
    
32. If not now, then when?
    Pretty soon.
    
    
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
    My family, my daughter, my husband, and probably money.
    
    
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
    Absolutely.
    
    
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
    Because they are run by humans, who by nature, are half evil. We are taught to be "good" growing up, which makes "bad" things taboo. Taboo is just getting away with things. Man keeps man in check, if the authority says to do it, then it is done. Because a person is smart, and a group of people is not. Also, the false sense of Sin allows people to justify doing horrible things to "sinners" as a means of purification and cleansing.
    
    
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
    There is always doubt, otherwise you are not learning.
    
    
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
    I would cease to babysit, invest a portion, buy a home, a different car, and save a very large portion.
    
    
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
    More work I enjoy. I like being productive.
    
    
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
    Nay, perhaps 50.
    
    
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
    This makes me slightly sad. I cannot recall really doing this ever. I suppose when I moved to SF there wasn't really a plan, and when I quit my job. And when we found out I was pregnant. But I wouldn't say that those were a "soft glow of" blah blah.
    
    
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
    Fuck.
    
    
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
    Nope.
    
    
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
    Making the most of what you are given, and giving to others (being my personal definition of Living), opposed to breathing.
    
    
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
    Indeed. This one is not so finitely defined.
    
    
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
    Because "we" are afraid of criticism. And most humans are afraid of rejection.
    
    
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
    Probably everything.
    (revisit)
    Boy-oh-boy this one is one of them "revealing" ones, eh? To answer this honestly would be inviting those that judge me to know wouldn't it?
    
    
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
    I listen to the sound of my breath every time I fall asleep.
    
    
48. What do you love?
    Creating, thinking, expression.
    Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
    I certainly hope so.
    
    
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?
    Probably not. It was fairly mundane, but "enjoyable".
    What about the day before that?
    Probably not, but it was a nice day off with Ezra, and we had some mellow times together.
    Or the day before that?
    My return trip from New York. I hope I remember, as I threw up water, saw the Tanenbaum House, and bought my trinkets of memories.
    
    
50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
    I make most of my decisions, and I also have to make them for others. Quite frequently actually. I try to only let others make unimportant decisions for me.
    

Good lord

I always do this thing where I get on a kick of something, and talk about how I am going to do it all the time, blah blah. And then I stop. Who knows why. It probably has something to do with the addict in me, or perhaps it is more simple, and just a bi-product of my upbringing. My family isn't known for its follow-through.

This blog is a pretty good example. Buuuuuuuuut I have decided to start using a new (to me) website, dayzeroproject.com. So I reckon there is probably a way to tie it to this blog, and then I can write crap about what I am working on, and feel uber productive and crap.

So the gist of this website; complete 101 things in 1001 days. Sounds pretty easy. But you know how those things go. We will see how much I am able to complete, how many things get edited, and how many I completely abandon. Wish me luck, if anyone even reads this anyway.

haven't actually completed a blog in a while

so i sat down to write a bitch-blog the other day, and while i was typing i got a phone call basically completely nullifying the entire thing, so i just deleted it.

i can't begin to express, well, i don't know what it is. we're broke. we're always broke. it fucking sucks. it's not always bad, but right now we're actually using our credit card for purchases we probably can't afford. and it's probably not that big of a deal, but we probably can't really even afford gas. but it's ok? i don't get how it's ok.

i confronted Ezra politely today about how we don't spend time together anymore. i mean, watching tv is NOT time together. we used to go for bike rides all the time, and go for walks. i'm talking pre-Oli days. if you knew us then you know what i mean. and he agreed. he said he would try to change that. now, i'm sitting at home while Oli sleeps, and he was just gonna stop by and pick up Elfie, now Richard too (which isn't a problem, I just don't get why he's so adamant on driving them when they're both coming over and have a car), but he gets sucked into watching Red Dwarf? Really?

Well fuck, I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but I have issues. I used to date a guy for six fucking years that didn't do shit, and every time I would get together with our friends and him, it would be all this talk about crap they did together. Quoting stupid tv shows, or whatever, but it was just a reminder of how I WASN'T THERE. I'm sorry, but it really gets to me when people do that kind of shit, and I really want to punch him in the fucking face right now.

I can't get the fact that he does shit ALL THE TIME THAT IRRITATES ME, and when I smoke, he gets mad. Fuck it. I earn it. If I want to do something to myself, whatthefuck, just let me do it, and back the fuck off. This isn't passive aggressive at all I suppose. but fuck it. i need a place to vent, collect my brain, and let it explode. oh, i think he's home.

great fucking start to my evening.
woo.

Whelmed

Austin's 3rd birthday was today. We were almost an hour late. I was supposed to do the facepainting, but Olivia had pretty bad diaper rash, so we had to give her an un-planned-for-bath, which put us behind. then of course it's one thing after another. the barista took forFUCKINGever when i got coffee, the guy at the atm before ezra had to deposit like 1000 single dollar bills one by one into his account or something, so yeah, i am an irritated ball of fucking stress.

grr.

class is almost done. the last stupid touches have to be done to the manuscript, then it'll go to graphics monday morning. that'll be a HUGE relief. maybe i will be able to like hanging out with richard once this is all over. (no offence if you read this.)...

feeling a little...

i guess i'm feeling depressed? i can't really figure it out, and it's hard to focus.

i'm feeling helpless. i'm even almost feeling useless. there is a dam about to burst right now, and i don't know what to do next. i don't know if i should just call Elfie to have a shoulder to cry on, i don't know if i should just escape more from my own brain and smoke. i got an email earlier today that pretty much removed all posibility of joining the air force. i was toying with the idea for stability, for movement, for purpose, for a paycheck, for a career i could retire from in 20 years.

thinking i have no creativity at the moment. it's sucking pretty hard. i feel like i can't even make a productive sentence. i'm not used to needing people. i am usually the one people turn to for support. perhaps i am too proud to ask for help? (no, not suicide dummy!)

i just feel...

desperate.