sitting in a drafty house

it's cold today. everything was frozen when i got up, and i think my zucchini plant is pretty fucked. every once in a while i sit down to "blog" with grandiose expectations, and then i completely forget what inspired me in the first place. i suppose i could write about my psychotic mother. well, psychotic probably doesn't work, but there's something just-not-quite-right about her.

so here goes: an attempt to let this shit go!
yesterday we were getting together to go to my sister's house. it's about an hour drive, and my mom gets home around 2 in the afternoon, so i tried to get there "on time". now, keep in mind this was a leisurely trip to have fun with my sister and her kids. i left my house about 10 minutes to 2, expecting to hit every red light on my way, because i was in a hurry, and we all know what that's like. i wanted to be heading to my car at 1:30, but Oli was napping, and i hate having to wake her on purpose. so i did, and she was channeling all of the hate of the world through her fat little cheeks, and protested every step of the way. (did you know, toddlers have the capability of going completely limp, and they do this thing with their arms to make them all slippery? i liken it to when a snake un-hinges it's jaws, but kinda the opposite.) so i was a little late.
when i pulled up to my mother's house, she walked angrily to my car to scowl at me. (oh, back up a second. when i was 2 blocks away from her house my cell phone rang, and i didn't answer it because, well, i just don't want to ever give any law enforcement the excuse to pull me over.) so we arrive at her house, and she also channels all of the hate of the world at me through her eyes, the scowliest scowl to have ever scowled. "Hi," i say. "You're late," she replies. Ok, here we go! "I'm sorry, there was an accident on my way here," i reply (no lie, a major street to get to her house was totally backed up, some ninny had a flaming engine in the middle lane and no one knew what to do!). her anger doesn't subside. "You know, I am sorry, it's hard to deal with a screaming toddler the whole time I'm attempting to get her ready, I didn't mean to be late," still hatred, "Would you like me to go through every reason I'm late? because I can, I got Olivia up at 1:38, she screamed at me when I brought her downstairs, I changed her diaper, and she protested when I tried to put on her shirt, then I fought her to get her strapped in the car, and she finally settled down. I hit every red light on my way here, and there was a huge accident on Air Base [parkway, the major street]." I explained in a heated fashion, I was quite annoyed at this point. "It's almost 2:15. You said you'd be here at 2." WHAT THE FUCK! I mean, didn't I just explain?
I was really REALLY close to calling her a bitch. I mean, really! "Look, it's not like i wanted to have a psycho toddler. I really am sorry." Why the big deal? When I was on my way home later last night I checked my phone, she called me at 2:07. 7 whole fucking minutes late. where's the proportion in which this was blown?! I mean fucking get a life! seven minutes doesn't make that big of a difference.

i wish this wasn't such of a rant, but it is, so whatever. perhaps next time i write a blog it will be all inspirey or something.

learning from life?

there was a stripper that looked a lot like me. not like she could be mistaken for me, but we had similar bodies. it's sad that i had to see someone shaped like me to realize that my shape actually is sexy. i think that's one reason why i feel so connected to portland. strange, but true. when she walked on the stage, she commanded my attention. she wasn't stick thin, she wasn't perfectly toned, she was beautiful.

i was looking through old magazines last night, just relaxing in the living room by myself, and i felt truly attractive. i can't say i've ever really felt like that before. i felt beautiful, sexy, and like me. it was nice. i still feel like that today. it's a relief, opposed to the frump i've felt, well, forever.

i'm here, but i'm still not back.

i went to portland. it was wonderful. not to just see those people near and dear to my heart, nor to meet new people, but to feel like i finally belonged somewhere. a woman said to me that "portland is what san francisco wishes it was". that statement rings so true to me. i didn't feel shunned, or scoffed at in any store we walked into, i didn't feel mediocre in any way. it felt, well, like i just went home for the first time. no melo-drama, just fact. everyone there was so kind and polite. if you bump into someone, there's an apology, in the 5 days i was there, i encountered one asshole driver. 1. i mean it, just the one. no one honked, no one sped up on my ass, no one cut anyone else off. it was the largest small town i've ever been to. i've been back here since monday night, and i'm still in oregon. it's sad, i wish we were there so badly. ezra isn't sold on the idea yet. obviously, having never been there, he's skeptical. and i'm on my way to being heart broken.

i guess it really doesn't matter where we end up, "as long as we're together"... so cheesy, but apropriate. i was quite lonely in portland, sort of. it was nice being switzerland. i was the neutral ground. i suppose that's how you can tell if you're a cool person or not. i am: no chance at pussy, because i am married; a confidant woman (again, no chance at the kitty); totally unattainable (sexually); and... yeah, a cool person. people still wanted to hang out with me, probably more so once they found out that "my family" wasn't a cult.. haha..

driving "home" felt so empty in context. i was so excited to be back with my family, but the location made me want to heave (what's new?). the colors are all wrong here, the hue is off. and i've already invited Elfie to move up there too. i think she'd thrive there. hell, i think anyone with an open mind would thrive there. everyone that i talked with that grew up there loved it.

but really, i was watching Sesame Street with Olivia earlier today, and we caught a segment with Grover. i suddenly had a flash of how i used to feel when i lived on my own in san francisco. after Davin left, i would hang out with Kim. she came over and asked me if i had anything to put on her Grover doll's head to make a Super-Grover. so i gave her a little metal dipping cup i'd gotten from some restaurant somewhere. strange the things that thrust you into another time. it was comforting to feel that in my belly. i can't describe it well. it was warm, and a sepia-orange. i think it was my confidence. i can't really think what else it could have been.

completely sidetracked.

i was hunting through music to put on the good ol' iPod for the roadTrip... and i came across that which i'd been remembering a lot recently. it's beethoven. i can't really "label" myself as a fan of classical music, but i do find it enjoyable at times. it takes me back to a time when things were simple. it's one of the piano sonatas, (Moonlight) (1) Adagio sostenuto -- attacca. i know, that's a frickin mouthful. but the music speaks to my soul. this is the song i can't live without.

it's strange how utterly sidetracked i became before sitting down to write this. all of the urgency has escaped me. the fucker from down the street came home blasting his music from his "bumpin' stereo" or whatever the kids are calling it these days. keeping oli awake is all i care about. and the music only got louder. so i went to my drive way, where i could see the culprit, and he didn't realize anyone else in the universe existed. so i haughtily stomped back into the house, grabbed the air horn, went back to the driveway, and let loose. it was gratifying, and he stopped the music. of course, i'm passive aggressive, and i assume everyone else is, so i promptly went back inside, locked the front door, and continued to watch my hands shake with adrenaline. kind of a lame use of adrenaline, i know, but that's what happened.

then i logged into my blogger, and caught up on friends blogs that i'd neglected for a little while. so, here i am, still in love with that song, and in hate with my effing neighbors, searching through album after album on my husbands itunes.

by the way, "hilarious" is something i will always mis-spell. i always put two "l"s. fun times.

a constant struggle to become an adult

halloween. too much alcohol, and too many kinds. as a whole, i had a pretty good time. in the moment, i enjoyed the company, familiar faces, and random passing of time. ezra barfed, passed out, and so did i, but later in the evening. thankfully, i no longer attract drama, in the direct sense, i only hear about it. i am quite relieved that is no longer a part of my life.

i was able to fraternize with people i hadn't seen in a while, catch up on the goings-on, and it came to me, that one of the only things people ever talk to me about anymore, is Olivia. like that's all there is to me anymore. thankfully, an external sourse verified that i am, indeed, more than just a mom. the drunk-brain was about to think otherwise, which wouldn't have been good.

so i woke, with a headache, and the knowledge that anything in my tummy would make me barf, again. even water. so i take a tums? yeah, i was all fizzy. don't reccomend it at all. but pot, yeah, that was the life saver. settled the tummy, i was able to drink my vitimin water, and i napped a little in the car, then took over driving home.

the rain was so bad this last weekend, what normally is a 1 hour drive (plus a little) was just under 2 hours. the puddling on the freeway was terrible, and visibility was pretty bad too.

if you haven't voted yet, you totally should.

Portland

Heather and I are planning a trip to Portland, Oregon. And I am excited.

Actually, excited is a bit of an understatement. We were originally going to visit her friend, Alpha-Heather, but she moved back to San Francisco. So, we still wanted to go there, for reasons unknown to both of us really. I think it's just the idea of going, and it seems like as good a destination as any. We both know people there, so we'll get to visit with friends we haven't seen in a while, but there's an excitement that goes deeper than that.

Our friend, Genevieve, text messaged me yesterday, asking if I'd been there before. I replied that I hadn't. She told me that I was going to feel like I just got home.

I think that's a feeling I haven't had in a long time.
I'm not sure I've ever really felt that. Living here certainly doesn't make me feel that way, and I don't know that the east bay will either. I mean, Alameda seems like a great town, but is that where we belong? Portland is a ways away, being about 9-10 hours away, which is no minor drive to grandma's house, but at the same time, I wonder if distance from my fucked-up-ass-family might not be just what the doctor ordered.

Might I add, on craigslist, rent seems to be about $1000 a month for a 2 bedroom apartment/house. There are almost 1000 listings for 2 bedroom places, with pictures, that accepts cats in Portland. How is it not a destination? So why the urge for such a drastic change? I still haven't figured that one out yet.

the best dream to have right now.

a few nights ago i had the best dream. you know that feeling of falling in love? of knowing that it's just... right. that solid knowledge that, yes, this is going to be the person i spend the rest of my life with. ok, so maybe you haven't felt that, exactly, but i have. and then my parallel universe showed me the what-coulda-been of an alternate past.

so here's the dream:
it was around the time i met Ezra, i'd been working at the Green Tortoise Hostel, just like in real life. instead of us dating right away, we were just friends. we'd hang out all the time, with Heather, but it was nothing romantic. this goes on for about 8 months, and Heather suggests that we date. she saw how much we liked being around eachother, and knew that it would be "weird" for me to compromise the friendship, so she talked him into asking me out. the persuasion wasn't that hard. so i get a call, and he asks me to go out to dinner with him the following evening, and instructed me to dress nicely.

so we're at the end of the date, which went well, and then it kinda speeds through to the present, and it's the same as it is now, excepts Olivia is just being born.

it's like i got a confirmation that our lives would be the same regardless of when. like the end result could only be one way. it was nice. it felt like i was falling in love. end dream.

i woke up, it was 5 am. i asked Ezra if he was awake, he responded, so i told him that i had a dream that we had just fallen in love. i couldn't help but snuggle into his back and feel all fuzzy inside. it was so lifelike.